In An Era Of Optimization and (Supposed) Self-Actualization
Last updated: 7/12/2026 | Originally published: 7/12/2026
Hello from a Twin Peaks themed writing meetup. Yes, there are donuts and strong black coffee; yes, the host is wearing a 1950s-style diner waitress smock; yes, the Twin Peaks soundtrack is playing on repeat in the background.
So an article I keep thinking about is Sara Hendren’s “catechesis by camera”, which, like everything Hendren1 What Can a Body Do? is, as I’ve noted before, one of the very few nonfiction books I found valuable to read twice. writes, is a must-read.2 And if you aren’t convinced, just check out this line: “Becoming a parent is like swallowing a solar system: a reordered gravitational pull, a new series of orbits, with magnetism and polarities that sway all of life’s conditions. It is many things, but it is not a project.” Wow! It spring-boards off the controversy surrounding an influencer couple’s public decision to abort a fetus with Down syndrome3 Notably, Hendren herself has a child with Down syndrome. to discuss the rather lacking state of public bioethical conversation in 2026 and, in particular, the common “project rubric” applied to children, as if they were a product launch attempting to meet OKRs. Because in an era of optimization and (supposed) self-actualization, as we’re supposed to move up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, what other criteria are available for the decision to have children?
Which is provocative, right? Because I don’t know if I’d make a different decision, but could I honestly say I was doing it for any reason other than my own convenience? As someone not-unaffected by a genetic condition, could I honestly say I would want someone to make that decision for me?
A point that Hendren touches on is the idea of children as a transformative experience.4 I was, according to my notes, introduced to this concept by this article on the cross-pollination of philosophy and science fiction, of all things, although I’m fairly certain I’ve also read about it in the context of parenthood specifically. You can’t honestly judge the experience of parenthood before you become a parent because you literally become a different person, with different preferences; so in many ways the project rubric doesn’t even make sense, because you can’t really judge the pros and cons of having a child from the perspective of a parent until you’ve already done it.
Now, as a current non-parent, I can’t really speak to this, but I think pet ownership offers the same experience in miniature. We’ve had a lot of “negative” experiences with Rooibos — he had pretty severe separation anxiety when first adopted; he had a bad spot of insomnia due to noise in our last apartment; just this week he had half his remaining teeth extracted, at no small cost to our pocketbook. But a while back I was chatting with a friend who was considering getting a pet, and they mentioned the “pros and cons” of pet ownership — of getting woken up in the middle of the night, of vet bills, of finding sitters for trips — and my first thought was: wait, that doesn’t even make sense. Because Rooibos has become so central to my life, in some ways, that I’m not even sure what I would be like without him, let alone mere “pros” and “cons”.
One thing Sherry and I chatted about recently is that strange empty feeling that often occurs when wrapping up a project, be that a novel manuscript or a painted canvas or just a successful party. I proposed the rather cheeky name “post-artum depression.” That’s not intended to make light of the seriousness of postpartum depression, but there is a parallel between the two, I think. Of course, luckily, with post-artum depression, you can just move on to the next project 😉